The accepted human condition has become handing down and bearing the legacy of abuse carried by the father and mother. This abuse gets suppressed and repressed as a matter of course for survival; however, the hurt stays locked inside slowly smoldering, clouding our judgment, actions, relationships and perceptions. The pain won't disappear unless it is recognized, felt and liberated. Sadly, all too often, defenseless, hapless children become the victims of inappropriately transferred rage that was not healed by an adult.
Child abuse is a cross-cultural phenomenon that is responsible for the incredible violence we live in fear of every day. Every child belongs to us because we are all connected within God. We are each child and they are us. When they hurt, the face of humanity receives a tearing, jagged rip. What can we do today to make certain they know compassion, understanding, unconditional love, kindness and patience?
Psychiatrist Alice Miller writes extensively about the need for parents to heal their childhood wounds in order to raise healthy, happy children who can turn the tide of worldwide hatred-spawned nationalism, fanaticism and genocide. Miller poignantly describes the need for people to experience "true deep and defenseless mourning" about their own childhood abuse in the safety of therapy or in the arms of those who genuinely love them. She dramatically and explicitly discusses the innocence of children and the negative impact of societal neuroses, psychoses and sexual deviation upon their lives.
As adults we do not have to live in the shadow of dependency, physical harm and psychological torment that our parents, relatives and/or any other person may have inflicted upon us against our will. We no longer need allow others to mangle our trust and destroy our hope. By taking a stand in the present and healing our past, we are giving children a chance. By telling those who would or have hurt us "No more!" we keep our children from being humiliated, demoralized and trespassed upon. As parents, we really have no other choice.
There is nothing small in the notion that one person makes a difference. This has been proven in quantum physics as easily as it has been in metaphysical circles. The energy we exude mentally and physically changes the world around us, so we must work, do the hard inner work, of naming, accepting and exploring our childhood pain and trauma so that we do not suffer it upon our children.
There is a cultural revolution in progress called compassionate parenting (CP) that began, by accident, when Dr. Benjamin Spock wrote the second best selling book in American history, only eclipsed by the Bible, and gave women's intuition back to the Mother. Harangued and harassed and held responsible for the "decade of love and protest," Spock later backpedaled and reintroduced the ideas of forced schedules and infant control. Fortunately, however, the notion of humanizing the child stuck and compassionate parenting continues to replace the objectification of infants.
Compassionate parenting is based on the premise that infants, from womb to birth, are present, soulful people requiring devotion, unmitigated kindness, respect and unconditional love. Generally, this parenting style includes most if not all of the following: breastfeeding on demand; child-led weaning; responding promptly to baby's cries; keeping baby in-arms; welcoming baby into bed; non-punitive punishment; providing whole, organic foods; and maximum input level from the father. Mainly CP focuses on the child as an individual with rights and reasons for his/her behavior. CP considers a child's wants and needs to be synonymous and recognizes that raising infants requires personal sacrifice from parents.
In our materialistic, hurried culture and economy, the child has become a commodity or status symbol. His/her feelings are discounted in favor of ease-of-use and temperament control. The Ferber and BabyWise parenting methods have been created to accommodate the busy parent through rigidly forced sleep and feeding schedules. Both of the latter herald the "cry it out" sleep method that encourages parents to put their baby to sleep alone, in a crib until they fall asleep, exhausted and ignored. Both demean and ignore a mother's intuition and natural feeling for her child.
Compassionate parenting is drastically different from its counterparts and has practical, hormonal, physical and emotional benefits for the entire family. CP has been practiced by every culture on the planet, at one time or another, as a matter of course for thousands of years. Only in our Western society has it become a non-conformist or liberal way of life.
Dr. Williams Sears refers to compassionate parenting as Attachment Parenting, or AP, and his ground breaking work and mainstream popularity are bringing this child rearing style to homes across America. Dr. James McKenna, the worlds foremost pediatric sleep expert, is spreading the word about the benefits of safe co-sleeping with infants including, at the very least, protection against SIDS. Jean Liedloff, the author of the Continuum Concept explains that "in order to achieve optimal physical, mental and emotional development, human beings — especially babies — require the kind of experience to which our species adapted during the long process of our evolution" which includes being held-in-arms, breastfeeding and sleep sharing.
Compassionate parents work very hard to meet their children's needs, but they are not perfect. In fact, more often than not, these people were raised in extremely dysfunctional families. They people suffer from various neuroses including depression born from repressed sexual abuse and rage; and the emotional backlash of being an adult child of an alcoholic or drug addict which makes even daily living sometimes overwhelming. However, regardless of their background, what makes these parents different is that they have chosen to stop the cycle of abuse. They have made the decision to give their child a childhood.
I know first hand about compassionate parenting because this is how my husband and I raise our daughter. We didn't set out to fit into any particular parenting category. In fact, we'd never heard of CP or AP or Ferber or BabyWise- or anything for that matter. We knew that I would breastfeed and that we needed a crib, playpen and other devices. We didn't know, however, that our daughter would instruct us otherwise.
When Roan was first born we faced a lot of criticism and skepticism about the way we were raising her. No one in my family had breastfeed so I received both intentionally derogatory remarks and some that were ignorant yet still painful. I found myself almost continually justifying why I wanted Roan sleeping next to me and why I held her when she cried. Fortunately, my husband, supported, trusted and championed my intuition and understanding of my daughter's needs.
Nineteen months later Roan is the brightest, kindest, prettiest, funniest, most alert and present child most people have ever met. Many have told me that she is the "best" baby they've seen. This is not an accident. It is because of compassionate parenting and loving her with complete abandon and self-sacrifice. There is a significant difference between children of our friends who practice CP and those who don't. Those without it are disorganized, loud and aggressive. Those with it are focused, more sensitive and generally better behaved.
We have allowed Roan to lead us in how to parent her. It has not been easy but the benefits far outweigh the difficulties. Compassionate parenting has led my husband and I both to undergo huge personal transformations including psychological healing from our own childhood traumas; career choices that incorporate our bliss; lifestyle changes that honor our body and soul; and spiritual rebirth and participation within a loving community. By meeting Roan's needs day and night, John and I have become more compassionate people and thereby, better parents who are equipped to offer her a safe environment where she can bloom into the beautiful person she is becoming.
© Copyright Paula Vaughan
Not to be reprinted without permission.
Resources for further study
Compassionate parenting is based on the premise that infants, from womb to birth,
are present, soulful people requiring devotion, unmitigated kindness, respect and unconditional love.
- Paula Vaughan